I have worked from home since 2005. 2001, if you count the warehouse/computer recycling center I lived and worked at, but that was totally different. The type of working from home I now speak of is the sort so many people now must do due to COVID-19.

I’ve seen dozens of work from home tips for people who are new to the concept. I don’t adhere to any of them. I advocate for the following despicable tips for working from home:

  • Wear whatever you wake up in. Pajamas. Underwear, whatever. Go right to work. Sit down at the computer, triage email and get some shit done.
  • Spend as much time as you want pooping, whenever you want. Even on conference calls!
  • Don’t eat until you’ve finished almost all of your morning work.
  • Drink only espresso shots from an expensive home espresso machine, so as to allow for maximum caffineation with minimal volume.
  • Once a week, walk t the office. Even if that’s like, a few miles. Especially if that’s a few miles. Eat office food, chat with people. Oh wait, nevermind.
  • Turn off the camera on your conference calls whenever you want. No one’s judging you. Tell them you’re eating.
  • Expand the range of things you do while on mute on conference calls! Cook, clean, organize, fuck, whatever!
  • Fuck schedules. Stacks. Stack up tasks, work until they’re all done.
  • Always be online. Everywhere on Earth you go. Sit in front of a number of bright monitors all day with no breaks and be immediately accessible to anyone within 5 seconds to 5 minutes of messaging.
  • Keep your inbox at zero, but fuck organizing it into folders. Star what needs to be done, otherwise, do the thing right now. Then, when you’ve done all the things and you have a dozen more meh style emails you were cc’d on but have nothing to do with you? Mark All As Read.
  • Chat apps are the easiest way for people to get ahold of you and for you to get them what they need. Back and forth is great.
  • Phone calls, or video chats are friendly. Emails and chats are not.
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