The first thing he said to me, which stuck out and remains burned into my mind, was about Jared Kushner. “He’s so Jewish. He’s just the best Jew. The greatest Jew ever. We have him recircumcised ever day at 7 AM in the rose garden. It’s lovely. We graft another foreskin, donated by heathen Mexican boys… the are just… the best foreskins, the greatest foreskins on the planet. And believe me, I know foreskins. We cut it back off every morning, and you know, you can’t just cut those off, they have to be bitten off. I didn’t know this about the Jews, but apparently, you have to bite it off. So Ivanka and I take turns, every week we swap duties.”

With that, he tee’d off, swinging wildly. The ball remained on the tee. He put an ample hand to his forehead and remarked, “Aaaaaand, it’s in the hole. I’m just the greatest. Don’t you think I’m the greatest? I know it. You know it. The people of America know it.”

And with that, a secret service agent grabbed the ball from his tee and stepped back. He put a wrist to his face and spoke into his cuff. Down the fairway, another agent could be seen sprinting towards the hole.

I made the green in 3, and the hole in 2 more. “You’re not very good at this are you,” he smirked. “And that’s OK. You’re not the best, though.” He shrugged and looked around at his cavalcade of security agents.

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