You see, when these people scream incessantly about “Muh Freedoms!” they honestly have no fucking clue what they are talking about. I think we all know that. If they did understand their rights and where they are infringed, daily, they’d be up in arms about parking tickets, street sweeping days, and vehicle registrations.

A large number of the ways laws grab hold of us every day is around vehicles. Having grown up in a small town, I can attest to the fact that nazi law enforcement of vehicular legislation leads to a ton of arrests around other things. Oh, their tag expired, pull ’em. tail light out, pull ’em. Swerving on the road, pull ’em.

Now, if I were a brainless Libertarian no-mask-wearing freedom suckling fatted pig, I’d basically camp outside the city DMV branch, or the city parking meter enforcement office and harass the shit out of them. Those are the people imposing tyranny upon your lives on a daily basis, dipshit. Not the guy who wears a mask to stop the spread of germs…

This line of thinking lead me to wonder what else the far right freedom crowd is missing out on by being completely retarded. It occurred to me that, in fact, I live in the world’s most anrachistic/libertarian paradise. And those two things are, in fact, one and the same. Don’t let anyone fool you: Libertarians want no social fabric or infrastructure other than money. Anarchists want no social fabric or infrastructure other than hand-to-hand dealings and swaps. Either way, they both want the government to go away and law enforcement to stop telling them what to do on a daily basis.

For the libertarian douche nozzles, they’re mostly upset about taxes and their guns not being in vending machines on corners. Coin-operated corners. Sidewalks should be pay to play, after all, right?

For the anarchist wacka-doos, mostly I find they just want lighter tops on the sides of their hoodies. And patches on their hoodies. And to break windows. Lots of that. But in the end, they want to be able to take drugs and live without paying rent and go wherever they want whenever they want, like hobos. They want law enforcement off their backs too.

Both sides agree that law enforcement is over-reaching, whether it’s when they raid a drug house, or when they raid Ruby Ridge.

Why don’t these two sides agree? Instead, they shoot at each other. Oh well.

I’m not gonna say the anarchists should come to Oakland. They have been here for a long time. The Libertarians should come to Oakland, though. I think they’d find this town is basically exactly what they want: a Libertarian paradise.

Want to build a new kitchen? City’s got a TON of ordinances on that, and will charge you through the nose for an inspection. An permits. And, oh, fluorescent lights only.

That’s not Libertarian! That’s the opposite of Libertarian!

But guess what! There’s a loophole! The same loophole the Ghost Ship warehouse existed in: you actually can do whatever the fuck you feel like in Oakland. No one will ever show up and inspect and enforce these rules upon an individual. Likely not even against a business.

Now, if you walk downtown to the permits offices and ask for these things and deal with the very friendly, competent people there, they will hit you with thousands of dollars in fees and regulations that will tie you to a train track.

And if you catch them after hours, they’d laugh at you and ask why the fuck you went to the permitting offices?! Just do the thing. Who gives a fuck?

And that’s Oakland. On the surface, it’s super duper progressive, forward thinking town of hippy-dipsters and a hugely diverse population of left-leaning working class folks, right?

Well, that’s the surface. Yes, Oakland is the new Berkeley. On the surface. Oh, BTW, Berkeley might as well be fucking Alabama. That town SUCKS. Super NIMBY racists. OMG, try putting a table in your garage. City council will show up and piss in your face.

Anyway, Oakland, despite having super progressive laws, like the decriminalization of mushrooms, is full of shit. In fact, they passed that decriminalization thing just because Denver did it first, and city council had progression envy.

In fact, the very first fucking thing the city did that had anything to do at all with that law was to bust a church selling mushrooms. Blahahahahahahahahahaah this town is so full of shit.

Do not let that deter you. In Oakland, you can still do whatever you want, just don’t talk about it that loud. Maybe only on Instagram. Wanna host a sideshow? Oakland is where you’re most likely to do it and get away with it. People shoot guns in the air, use drugs in the open, block the freeway and do donuts. This ain’t happening in Fremont.


Wanna host a roaming open air pot farmers market with no taxes and no permits? Shit, that’s called a Sesh, and they take place every single fucking day in this town.

Ever come across a red light that takes for-fucking-ever? And no one is coming in any other directions? And there’s one of those cameras that takes your license plate picture? Fuck it, run that bitch. The cameras in Oakland have been off for a decade because the city won’t pay its bills. And even if there is an OPD cop sitting in their car and watching you run this red light, they will do nothing.

OPD does not stop people for traffic offenses. They really only seem to care about shots fired calls. Everything else takes them at least 4 hours to get to, and 911 still has a 20+ wait time. No, I am not making that up. When I was assaulted in 2013, I waited on hold for 30 minutes, then gave up. I never even reported the crime. Why bother? It was right in front of city hall, for fuck sake. They saw.

But that’s Oakland. You can do whatever you want to here. I’ve known business owners who moved into spaces that were flat floorspace, threw up $3,000 worth of drywall, strapped piping and electrical to it and were good to go. They’ve never once had an inspection, nor has the city come to ask about any of the work. They didn’t even have a business license.

I can confirm this ineptitude. At the MADE, back after the Ghost Ship fires occurred, we prepped for a fire inspection with the help of another local non-profit that did just this. Notice I’ve said nothing about the fire department, here.

After we had our list of things to fix (mostly nothing could be within a foot of the ceiling, and we had low ceilings) and before we had implemented the changes, the fire department showed up! The inspectors, OMG, I was terrified! I got the call from the worker at the front desk. I told them to show the fire folks anything they asked to see and to be friendly. 2 Minutes later I get a call back informing me that the fire inspectors had asked “Do you have access to the areas upstairs?” We did not. They left.

And that was that. Never saw them again or heard from them again. Even to this day. That was four years ago.

But that’s Oakland. Hell, I WANT a fire inspection. You can’t get a 1-day liquor licence as a non-profit without a police inspection and a fire inspection. We’ve been trying to get those for years. Shit, the first time we tried back in 2011, we had to trek all the way out to the Eastmont Mall OPD station where, after thirty minutes of discussion and repeated inferences from the officers there that “You’ll never get a fire inspector to come out. You’ll never get a police inspector to come out.” They basically just said “Sell the damn liquor, no one cares.”

Oakland! We did not sell the liquor. We do everything legally and above board at the MADE. And that’s what makes being in Oakland so damn hard…

Categories: Rants