The Howling 3
This full movie is on YouTube! Watch it!
OK, this is the only Howling movie worth watching. The rest of this series is basically dog shit. Like, literally. LOL, werewolves. I am not going to explain any further, but the Howling 3 is… not werewolves. It’s also highly zoologically correct in its portrayals.
This is a weird-ass movie. It’s not an in-your-face, psychological horror, it’s more the kind of movie where stuff happens, people die, but they’re not really related? Or maybe they are? It’s a spooky atmosphere, it contains one of the most amazing car crashes you’ll ever see in a movie, and it’s unlike anything else I’ve ever really seen… This is really slow.
The Adderall Diaries
You can tell that James Franco was trying to swing for the fences with this one. Evidently, he bought the rights to the book of the same name, and then threw that book in a wood chipper and used this as some sort of masturbatory fantasy movie with no real relation to the source material. It’s a complete dog-shit movie from a complete dog-shit person… Franco. The man who literally taught a class in sex scene acting, and then molested his students? I’d bet he lined up outside the dean’s door at 6 AM when he found out that was a class he could teach. This movie also has Amber Heard. Poor Ed Harris is sorta confusingly in this shit ball.
This movie is fucking terrible. It’s like someone took a shit ton of meth, then elevator-pitched you 5 movies, and in the end, the forced you to use a shitty file system on your Linux box.
Props to Stinky’s Clown Room for showing this one and thus, introducing us to it. This was by far the best thing we’ve seen there, and we’ve watched two Dolomite movies there! As far as Japanese horror movies go, this is uniquely wacky and weird, almost in the spirit of Yokai Monsters, as if it were passed through the lens of Sam Raimi. Great fun, with the typical cast you’d expect in a movie about a sushi restaurant. From the arrogant chef, to the gangster-ish work group and its angry “You can’t talk to the boss like that!” shirt off guy. And, of course, insane sushi-based deaths.
Hanzo, The Razor
Someone uploaded this one to Youtube! Watch the whole thing!
Hanzo the Razor is a 3-part Samurai movie series. You can watch any of them, really, and they only nominally tie together, but honestly, if you really want to understand Hanzo, and not experience him like a cold dunking in the river, watch them in order. In the first movie, Hanzo will first slowly make love to you, then he will hit you, then he will rape you. The second and third movies take the love and hitting as written and tend to go a bit more towards the rape. Still, an astonishing set of samurai movies, with a lead character who is basically Batman, as samurai.
Hanzo is a 16th century Japanese version of the only incorruptible detective in a bad department trope. That cop who’s always breaking the rules to bring in the corrupt mayor, or the murdering official? That’s Hanzo. While some of his rants at his direct superiors can feel a little formal and classic “Let me explain ancient Japanese societal woes”-ish, read closer and you will see a photocopy of every good cop/bad cop movie you’ve ever seen. And then you sprinkle in some gadgets and rape, and you’ve got a set of films that are sure to make everyone in the audience utterly aghast. Perfect.
I have read Internet dipshits write that the all-women Ghostbusters ruined their childhood. That’s fucking funny, because the lady Ghostbusters movies was at least better than Ghostbusters 2 if you’re honest with yourselves. I kinda wish there were a recut version that showed the bits with Thor making people dance in the city outside the theater, which was cut into the credits. It’s not a terrible movie. Not the best, but it has its moments.
Ghostbusters Afterlife, however, held down my childhood, taped its eyes open, dropped its pants and shit into its mouth. My childhood was not just ruined by this movie, it was actively molested and twisted into the monstrous, hateful form you now see on this blog. This is the single worst movie I have seen in the past decade. Aimless, stupid, pointless, emotionless, unfunny, unspooky, unNewYorky, what the fuck were they thinking? This movie should be anally raped in a phone booth. Because that’s what it did to my childhood.
This movie is nutter pants. It’s tropey to begin, but it just goes sideways as it goes on. Oh, look, a group of girls are going to spend the night in a “haunted” mansion. Oh, wait, no, they are going to die horribly in some of the weirdest most original horror movie stuff we’ve ever seen. Highly recommended.
You can watch this one on YouTube too, but you have to watch it on their site since it’s “dirty.” Which it is. It’s sexist. It’s gross. It’s got titties. It’s everything you expect from the movie poster, but worse, and take 2 years off everyone’s professed ages. Imagine American Pie, but everyone is 15/16 instead of 17/18. It’s awkward. It sucks. It’s my kinda movie. I absolutely love unfunny, stupid, sexist and gross 80’s movies.
This is actually a movie I loved growing up. A kid watching baseball games finds he can wish a star player into hitting home runs if he is in the stadium, too. I loved it as a kid. As an adult, it’s kinda brooding and dark. The kid’s dad is… shlubby. Roy Schneider is a bit lost in the film. And you can watch it all on YouTube!
The Last Polka
The Shmenge Brothers are the best thing the world ever forgot came from SCTV. John Candy and Eugene Levy are the absolute tits in this, and the whole thing is a great send-up of the Last Waltz. Be sure to make some cabbage rolls and coffee before you snuggle in to watch this one on YouTube.
Mother, Jugs and Speed
Good luck finding this out there to watch, but I managed to view it. A general rule of thumb is that if Bill Cosby is in the movie, it’s definitely 100% schlock. Everything the man put to film is horrific gunk. From Leonard Part 6, to Ghost Dad, to California Suite, I cannot stress enough that the man was incapable of being in movies without fucking them up. California Suite has him and Pryor as brothers, for god sake, but they’re wasted completely on the Neil Simon text. Honestly, only New York-raised mid-town people can really do Neil Simon. His dialog is just pure 1960’s Manhattan, and it takes a 1960’s style Manhattan-ite to play the roles. Lemon and Matthau were perfect. But that’s also why Barefoot in the Park is so bad: Redford and Fonda are not New Yorkers, nor can they even seem to comprehend what it means to live in a 5th floor walkup on the lower east side. Redford can’t even act like a stick-in-the-mud properly. Lemon’s much better in Prisoner of 2nd Avenue, portraying similarly maddening New York apartment scenarios.
So in California Suite, you have Cosby and Pryor on screen together, but instead of actually being funny, they play tennis and get mad at each other. They’re not playing themselves, nor are they even playing characters they feel comfortable being. It’s not funny because neither of them is being funny in their own way. It was an early example of colorblind casting, and it might have worked if anyone other than Cosby was playing across from Pryor. But probably not. Honestly, the parts of the brothers would probably have been better played by Martin and Lewis, or the like. Also, this is Simon writing about California. Everything about it is wrong. At least Jane Fonda’s OK in this one. In Barefoot, they just boil her character down to a bucket of sex. In California Suite, she might as well be a 70’s Woody Allen character.
Thus, we come to Mother, Jugs and Speed. It’s a wild romp of cynical ambulance drivers and EMTs. Keitel and Welch are OK in this, but Cosby is not being Cosby, he’s being some mean ambulance driver. Not that it matters. Cosby is just garbage. On screen and in real life. Thus, this movie is a real special addition to the pantheon of awful Cosby movies. It’s the perfect surprise to put on top of a three-way Cosby turd sandwich.
I am so terribly sorry you can watch this one on YouTube for free. To my mind, this is the single worst fucking god-awful trash of a science fiction movie that I have ever seen. When it’s not busy being stupid, it’s meandering and pointless. Instead of a plot, this movie has simply substituted bland misogyny. There is only one scene in this movie worth viewing, and it isn’t even executed in a way that you really realize what’s happening until you cock your head to the side and remember that the robot’s head is the size of two dimes.
We all know that Hollywood was built for a single purpose: getting fat old men laid. Harvey Weinstein was just the guy we decided collectively to punish: he’d been trained in his shenanigans by every producer since Samuel Goldwyn. Thus, we can very quickly know, from looking at the cast list of this movie, that this film was made for one reason only: to get Kirk Douglas’ dick into Farrah Fawcett’s pooter. The film came out in 1980, so the very first thing you can understand about this film is that it greenlit because Star Wars was a thing. The star power probably came from signing Kirk Douglas, and I’d wager he only signed because someone was like “Farrah Fawcett will play your personal sex kitten!”
Because, honestly, that’s exactly what she is in this movie. The plot is… non-existent. Kirk Douglas is on a large tunnel-y space station with his beloved wife, Farrah Fawcett. Who is 30 years younger than him in real life, but oh, in this movie, they’re supposedly the same age. Why are they on this space station? Who are they? Fucked if I know! They never cover any of that. I think he’s a scientist. And she…. is his sex doll.
So, suddenly, Harvey Keitel shows up with a robot. One of the great crimes of this movie is the fact that 100% of his dialog is dubbed over in ADR by someone else after the fact. Evidently, Keitel played his bad guy with a bit too much of a Brooklyn accent. Maybe he should have tried out for California Suite?
An hour and a half of inept running around corridors. Even early Dr. Who did a better job of creating tension than this clap-trap.
I fucking despise this movie with every fiber of my being. It embodies everything that was ever wrong with Hollywood.
This is the most fucked up movie on this list. The trailer conveys nothing. The movie is a long ride up a slow rising mountain, but when you get to the peak and go down, holy shivering Jesus. This movie is beyond disturbing. In the spectrum of horror movies, there’s a line I generally won’t cross, where movies go from being plot-driven but very violent, to being just violence and gore and torture. Society is not that at all, BUT, when it decides to veer over the line into the same space as Faces of Death and Ratman, it does so without the usual buckets of blood and guts. It does so with straight up Dali-levels of surealism. A wild ride, and not for the feint of heart.
Boogedy, Boogedy, BOO motherfuckers!
Francis the Talking Mule Joins the WACS
What do you mean you don’t know anything about the Francis the Talking Mule series of movies?
Piranha 2: The Spawning
This is James Cameron’s first full-length motion picture directorial debut. If you watch the Aliens commentary, you can hear Gale Anne Hurd talk about the experience she and Cameron had on B-movies. I’m fairly certain when Cameron discusses that in the same commentary, he is talking about this film, though he doesn’t name it. It’s a silly slasher movie about flying fish, but there’s a lengthy underwater scene in the beginning of the movie that just screams Cameron. Worth watching just for that, but also as inspiration for anyone who wants to make cheap movies and make it big.
Prayer of the Roller Boys
Dear lord, this movie has the dumbest plot and setting on this list. Pure dumb. The pitch meeting must have been something like “Corey Haim can kinda rollerblade!” And someone threw a million at that. So cheesey. If you want 90’s, this is 90’s.
The Watermelon Woman
This is actually a good movie. A totally lost 90’s film by a gay black woman. So far ahead of its time, and a cute film to boot. Charming and lowkey, this is a refreshing little slice of the 90’s VHS rental-store life that doesn’t include the Clerks.
The Master of Disguise
I think I take back what I said about Saturn 3. THIS is the worst movie on this list. The Master of Disguise is so bad that Dana Carvey had to make it without Lorne Michaels. How is it possible to make something worse than a bad Saturday Night Live movie? I’m not sure, but this movie is worse than a bad Saturday Night Live movie. I think I’d take a Rob Schneider movie over this donkey dung.
There are no actual jokes. This entire movie is just Carvey doing mildly offensive accents. Fortunately, they’re mostly mildly offensive European accents, like the one he decides his character should have at all times. Could have been more offensive, I suppose, so we’ll be thankful for what we got: an unwatchable abomination which has me torturing my wife by asking her if I’m turtley enough for the turtle club.
The Big Bus
Airplane on a bus. What’s not to like?
The Bride of Boogedy
Yeah, there’s a sequel bitches! Boogedy Boogedy Boo!